Battle Cry.

Prayer journal entry way back June 23, 2012.
Focusing on John 15, (The MSG)

"The sadness you have now is similar to the pain...
but the coming joy is similar!"

I am not so sure where to start, but looking back, I know everything that happened from June to this point forward - all the details - were part of Christ's puzzle piece... and slowly, it is being unveiled; the Big Picture is gently being revealed right before my eyes. I have long been close-friends with three people from my class, and we've always been doing everything together - our projects, living out our dreams, and most importantly, campus ministry - reaching out to more souls for Christ. Everything went smoothly, the fruits were seen, until one day in May 2012, I received an SMS from one of them.

"Indi ko mag skwela this year, part. (I'm not going to get enrolled to the university this year.)"

I was like, what? I never heard from that friend for a month and then here comes May 2012, with her first SMS after a long time and she's like telling me that... she's not going to get enrolled? I can't seem to find the right words to explain how I was feeling that moment, but it was like, I felt a bit... lost. How was I supposed to get through the class days without her ever loving presence? That time, it was only me and the two other from our circle of friends. In that very same week, I heard one of them didn't make it to the course cut off.... I was, now it's only the two of us. Me and the only guy in our group.

I missed the two girls, it was different having them in class. Not that I wasn't friends with our other classmates, but it's just that they were family to me... and doing things we used to do without them seemed lonely. There were times when the only friend seemed not to comprehend my mood changes, I reasoned it was because he wasn't a girl, and it would take a girl in order to understand why a girl needs a girl "friend".

The last wave hit one night, I came across this verse John 15, while I was searching for Christ's voice in middle of our conversation. In a still small voice, I heard him saying, "John 15" and some lines from it. I read on to the whole chapter with tears dropping one by one from my eyes. It comforted me, but then when he said that, "I still have a lot of things to tell you but you can't handle them right now", I was a bit... confused. But when I reached, "Your sadness will develop into gladness."

I kinda got the whole thing and I knew it referred to the people in my life whose story ended during that particular season, not knowing that in the days to come... there will be MORE. Two weeks later after I received that word, something I never thought would happen, happened. The last and only person from our group, the one and only person who understood me the most in our class, the one who knew the most about me... my best friend - he dropped a bomb in my phone's inbox that shattered my heart into thin sheets.

I'm quitting school.

And after that, little by little, the tiny little world that I created - where were all so happy, where we ate meals together, where we almost lived in each other's houses, where we kept all our secrets, where we had all our dreams planned out, where everything was shared between us, where we all did everything together - that tiny little world was destroyed. Suddenly I had no one to share my happiness with... suddenly I had no one to pair up with during class activities... suddenly I had no one to crack my silly jokes with... suddenly I had no one to hug when I felt like I needed one... suddenly I had no one to share the things I learned from the times I spent with Christ... suddenly, suddenly I didn't have anyone to call "friend" anymore. Suddenly I was alone. And everything's never the same again - or so I thought it won't be.

For a week, I cried my heart out to Jesus every time I would remember them. It felt so difficult to do anything that has something to do with them in the past. I felt like I was going through the post-break-up stage of my life. During those times, I got an encouragement from a close friend of mine who lives miles away from me. He told me that grace to cope up is presently being provided by Christ to me at that very moment, and it was real, Christ truly was providing for me.

At the back of my mind then, I realized, this must be what He was addressing as "the sadness". I did, I experienced all the sadness. There was a week-straight moment where I never really got to really "talk" with someone aside from the casual "greetings" and "necessary questions" asked by some classmates. It was during the exam week where I always finished the exam first, and then I would go straight home, without even interacting with the people around me. Heartbreaking moments went on for a month. There were times when I never really went to school, because I was scared to feel that I really was alone, out of place, left behind...because everyone else in class had a clique where they belonged, and I had... none. As in, none.

Only Jesus, that is.

But he was enough and he was everything I needed more than anything else.

All I did during those tough times was to claim God's promises along with his comfort, favor and grace through Christ who is in me. All I held onto that time was the unchanging fact that I am loved by Jesus, that I am never alone, that I can go pass through the trial and the pain.

During this phase, I knew more and felt more of Christ's love and my vision from before made sense. I can remember in that vision, Christ was telling me, "you will be meeting a lot of new people." - and I saw their faces, however, I couldn't recall, unless otherwise, I would meet them. And it was grace. I really met new people, and new relationships... and today, when I look back, my life's consisting of a series of new people. (To give you a little overview, I said yes to Christ's call for me to move into a new church, a 20-30 minute drive from home for mission purposes, and the thought of not being with those people I've once been with in the ministry is really painful.)

Little by little, I knew I was really called for this, and it was confirmed when Christ started taking these people from my life... and sending me to new ones.

It was painful for me, but the joy that comes with obedience was something that made everything else worth it. God wanted to work through Christ that is in me to reach out more people for him and that meant new relationships.

Everything that happened, though they were painful, very painful to a point where I thought of quitting school, too - they happened according to the Big Picture of God's sovereign plan.

Lately, I had new friends who turned to Christ and my joy is unspeakable when I knew he worked through me to allow this plan to come to pass. It's amazing when looking back, I was alone... but today, I stand and say, it's all to Jesus that everyone in our class is already very very dear to me.

God was stirring something up during my hard times, but that's to show how great of a God he is and how much it all worked out because of his goodness. It's the goodness of God.

This is what he was saying that very night, June 23, 2012 - "but the coming joy is similar." Today is the joy of yesterday's tears! It's amazing, Christ indeed is the Truth! Not only that everything that I lost yesterday was doubled today, but I realized a whole lot of new things! If this never happened, I wouldn't be where I am today, sinking in God's grace and drowning in Christ's love.

I wouldn't be having this fire in my heart as a fruit of Christ delivering me from all those pain. But this joy, is really great!! I couldn't put into words how much God has transformed my stormy skies into a sky with a beautiful rainbow now!! He calmed the huge waves of my life, and I am here finding myself swimming into the ocean of his unchanging grace!! He strengthened my trust and faith in him, and all thanks to how he was sharpening me!

I can now stand with confidence and say that everything I once held dear I now count as loss and because of the grace God has given me, I am pressing on towards the goal, setting my feet in the right track and bringing Jesus to those who need him - and this is all because of Christ's work in me and not because of what I can or I will do for him.

Sometimes, things just won't make sense when they look ugly. But when it's God who's in control, trust Him that he will make everything beautiful in its time. Probably, this is God's time for me now that he is making things beautiful in my life now and it's all to Jesus who is in me that I am receiving all these favor from God.

It's not about my effort, it's about Christ's finished work in me that I can rest easy even in my stormy days. I am blessed to have met new relationships now, and it's about time I point them to God and to Jesus who did this awesome work in me. He will do that to you, too... because he promised to be with you not only in good times, or in bad times... but in both the good and the bad. Your pain will be a testimony of Christ's love and grace someday. In times when you have no one to run to, it's an opportunity given by God for you to draw even more closer to Jesus. People saw me as alone those times, but nope, they were wrong. I had Jesus with me.

And that's why I'm able to post this entry.

And now I'm much stronger, much better, much wiser, much loved... and that's all to Christ's work in my life.