While I was meditating throughout this year, I sensed in my spirit that God was talking to me indirectly through the circumstances I see in our generation today, in books, in my devotions, in some of my Christian friend's circumstances, and even in my own circumstances.
It was like a gentle tap on the shoulder, a question suddenly popped out of my mind.
"Was my heart for Jesus, my desire for Jesus, really only for Jesus? Is it really pure? Or was it being overpowered, controlled, and overwhelmed by another desire, a desire for finding another kind of love? A desire for other things?"
It's true, it's been a very long time since I'm not in a relationship anymore, and I have learned a lot from it. I gathered a lot of wisdom since that time, my relationship with Jesus grown deeper, I've learned things I've never learned before, I have learned a lot from keeping my standards aligned with God, keeping my heart from danger, I was guarding it well enough.
Or was my definition of 'guarding it' a little bit... off? Was I really guarding my heart?
I started asking myself questions.
I was like, "I know I should only put up with a guy who loves Jesus more, a guy who is really mature in his faith and a guy who will always point me to Jesus. I know about these rules and I know how it should be done. I'm not gonna get my heart compromised again. So I pray for a guy like this and..." And finally it turned out like, "I want this kind of guy, I'm looking for characteristics like this," and even more worse, "Will I really have a share of a God-written love story", and even worser, "Can I just please know who this guy whom You have been preparing for me?"
Bullseye! Why was I even so crazy about it?! Was it even the right time for me to be even talking about it? Did I even truly know what it meant?
Did my words appear that I trust God?
Was I most satisfied with Jesus' love?
Was my desire towards love directed to Jesus' love?
Or did I have any other desire... aside from the love Jesus has for me?
I found myself throwing my hands up in the air and saying, "God, I know, I know, this - this one's Yours, I'm taking my hands off this!"
From that point on, I filtered all of my thoughts, my heart, my FB statuses, Twitter shoutouts - and I stopped obsessing over it and let Jesus' love take away all those desires that were supposed to be sleeping.
We can still get caught off guard even though we are not in a romantic relationship.
Am I in a relationship with someone? No. Was I guarding my heart? No. Was I desiring Jesus' love? I was... but... *insert all kinds of excuses here*.
There you have it! If I was truly, really, madly contented with Jesus' love... how come I still have these, "traumatic experiences" I've never let go of, these "I hope someday I can find...", and the "I get impatient with my feelings", and having all those sorts well-kept in my heart?
If I was truly, really, madly and sincerely contented, shouldn't my quality moments with Jesus consist more of "me-wanting-more-of-Jesus'-love"? Not, "me-wanting-more-of-the-future-I've-never-seen-yet"? Or "me-desiring-so-much-for-a-love-story-that-is-written-by-God"?
Well, praying for it is okay and even more - praying for it if you are in the RIGHT AGE, is really okay. However, is age really the criteria? Or is it more of the "are-we-contented-in-our-Master's-love"?
What I'm saying is, if most of our thoughts, our speech, our this and that consist of desperation and hunger for "this kind of love" - "this romantic love" - rather than Jesus' love - I'm saying, it's time for a heart check.
Our hunger for Jesus' love and our desperation for it should be the top priority - anything else that tries to climb the ladder will lead to idolatry, taking the place that's only meant for Him.
The more we talk about the love of Jesus for us, the lesser these things become our priority. Jesus' love should be our word-of-mouth. What's in the heart goes out of the mouth, what's in the heart shows even in our social networking statuses, even in our smiles, in the way we move - Grace and Love.
The more we talk about this kind of Love, Jesus' love - the more we are being made beautiful inside, being made more patient, being made more disciplined, being made more dependent on Him, being made more hungry for God's love.
The desire to meet and spend a life of love with "the one being prepared for us" should never overpower the desire to be growing more in Jesus' love.
More of Jesus' love in our lives. More of his grace and love.
It's always about "seeking first the Giver of everything" + "everything else being generously added" = enjoying the favor and abundance of a wonderful life of obedience in God.
Now now, until the day we're ready for it, it's time to be even more and all the more satisfied with the love of Jesus, beloved. :')
